My preschooler is obsessed with rules—and, more important, exploring their loopholes. When I tell him to stop throwing rocks, he will drop a rock dramatically with a loud thud, assuming plausible deniability. Pretending to be a Tyrannosaurus rex, he will chase his little sister around our kitchen island and push her. “Don’t push your sister,” I’ll command, and he will reply, “I didn’t push her! The dinosaur did it.”

我学龄前的儿子对规则很着迷——更重要的是，他喜欢钻规则的空子。当我让他别扔石头时，他会猛地一声巨响把石头扔下，假装自己有“合理推诿”的余地。他还会假扮成霸王龙，绕着我们厨房的岛台追着他的小妹妹，然后推她。“别推你妹妹！”我命令道，他会回答说：“我没推她！是那只恐龙干的。”

Self-control is one’s ability to navigate multiple competing desires—such as listening to your mother and shoving your sister. We tend to idolize people who show certain kinds of self-control (such as professional athletes) and demonize those who we think don’t show enough (for example, athletes who get caught in doping scandals).

自控力是一个人驾驭多种相互冲突的欲望的能力——比如听妈妈的话和推搡妹妹。我们倾向于崇拜那些表现出某种自控力的人（例如职业运动员），而妖魔化那些我们认为自控力不足的人（比如卷入兴奋剂丑闻的运动员）。

When I think about self-control in children, I think about psychologist Walter Mischel’s marshmallow test, in which children could either eat a single marshmallow immediately or show self-control, refuse that first marshmallow and be rewarded with two marshmallows later. The original studies found that children who waited for the additional marshmallows had more academic success in adolescence compared with those who gave in to temptation.

当我想到孩子们的自控力时，我会想起心理学家沃尔特·米歇尔（Walter Mischel）的棉花糖测试。在这个测试中，孩子们可以选择立即吃掉一颗棉花糖，或者展现出自控力，拒绝吃掉第一颗棉花糖，稍后就能得到两颗作为奖励。最初的研究发现，那些为了得到更多棉花糖而选择等待的孩子，相比于那些抵挡不住诱惑的孩子，在青春期取得了更高的学业成就。

But what if the marshmallow way of thinking about self-control is wrong? Maybe it’s about not just avoiding the tempting first marshmallow but the myriad other things that go along with that: planning for the future, following rules, working hard and trusting that you’ll indeed get your eventual reward. In other words: being conscientious.

但是，如果这种用“棉花糖测试”来思考自控力的方式是错误的呢？也许自控力不只是避免吃掉那个诱人的第一个棉花糖，它还包含了许多其他相关的因素：比如为未来做规划、遵守规章制度、努力工作，以及相信你最终一定会获得回报。换句话说，就是成为一个尽责的人。

Teaching conscientiousness—a personality trait that’s about more than self-control—may actually be the path to helping our children be the best versions of themselves.

培养尽责性——这是一种超越自控力的人格特质——实际上可能是帮助我们的孩子成为最好的自己的途径。

In a recent review, researchers found that achieving in-the-moment self-control (for instance, waiting for a second marshmallow one time) does not lead to monthslong or yearslong changes in how consistently we apply such control. Unfortunately, changing our personalities to resist temptation is not so easy. In fact, even people who seem to show more consistent self-control don’t necessarily do so all the time. On the contrary, they tend to simply avoid temptation in the first place so they don’t have to exercise restraint, and they show less (not more) self-control in their daily lives.

在最近的一项研究综述中，研究人员发现，实现一时的自控（例如，有一次等着吃第二颗棉花糖）并不能带来数月乃至数年间我们持续运用这种自控力的改变。不幸的是，要改变我们的性格以抵制诱惑并不那么容易。事实上，即使那些看似拥有更持续自控力的人，也并非总是如此。恰恰相反，他们往往从一开始就避免诱惑，这样就不必去克制自己，并且他们在日常生活中表现出的自控力反而更少（而不是更多）。

It turns out that the results from the classic marshmallow test are more complicated than first thought. Performance on the test and future academic success are related not just to self-control but to factors such as a child’s general cognitive ability and how much education their parents have. Further, it does not seem that one’s ability to wait for that second marshmallow is related to success into adulthood.

结果表明，经典的棉花糖实验的结果比最初想象的要复杂得多。这项测试中的表现以及未来的学业成功，不仅与自制力有关，还与诸如孩子的整体认知能力以及父母的受教育程度等因素相关。此外，一个人等待第二颗棉花糖的能力似乎与成年后的成功并没有关联。

Conscientiousness is one of the Big Five personality traits that predict academic success (alongside extroversion, agreeableness, neuroticism and openness to experience). Conscientious people often show self-control, but they also follow rules, show up on time and work hard.

尽责性是大五人格特质之一，可以预测学业成功（其他特质包括外向性、宜人性、神经质和经验开放性）。尽责的人通常表现出自控力，但他们也遵守规则、准时守约并努力工作。

Conscientiousness is often underappreciated. In one study, new mothers said they hoped their babies would grow up to be extroverted and agreeable, but they consistently ranked conscientiousness as less preferable than almost all other traits. If extroversion is the life of the party and agreeableness is that one friend who laughs at all our jokes, we may have a tendency to view conscientiousness as a wet blanket, the person who asks to turn the music down or has to leave early to get to bed on time.

尽责性常常被低估。在一项研究中，新妈妈们表示她们希望自己的孩子长大后外向又合群，但她们却一直将尽责性排在几乎所有其他特质之后，认为其不那么理想。如果说外向的人是派对的活跃分子，随和的人是那个对我们所有笑话都捧腹大笑的朋友，那么我们可能倾向于将尽责性视为一个“扫兴鬼”——就是那个要求把音乐调低，或者必须早早回家睡觉的人。

Conscientiousness, however, is associated with the same (and arguably more) benefits as self-control: Conscientious people have better health, are less likely to be depressed, are wealthier and live longer than people who are less conscientious. Compared with extroversion, conscientiousness is more strongly related to academic success, work performance and lower rates of substance use. Conscientious people have grit.

然而，尽责性（或称责任心）带来的好处与自控力（self-control）相同（甚至可以说更多）：尽责的人身体更健康，患抑郁症的可能性更小，更富有，寿命也比那些不够尽责的人更长。与外向性（extroversion）相比，尽责性与学业成功、工作表现以及更低的物质滥用率关系更为密切。尽责的人也更坚毅。

Rather than the dud at the party, think instead of your friend who always remembers your birthday, a co-worker who volunteers for the hardest assignment or a judge who upholds the law even when it is unpopular. We could use more conscientiousness in our world.

与其将尽责的人视为派对上的‘扫兴鬼’，不如想想那些总是记得你生日的朋友、主动承担最困难任务的同事，或是那些即使判决不受欢迎也坚持维护法律的法官。我们的世界需要更多尽责性。

Conscientiousness appears to be about 40 to 50 percent heritable, so conscientious parents tend to raise conscientious kids. This fact also suggests that environment and upbringing play substantial roles in determining whether people become conscientious adults.

尽责性约有40%到50%是可遗传的，因此尽责的父母也倾向于培养出尽责的孩子。这一事实也表明，环境和后天培养在决定人们能否成为尽责的成年人方面起着重要作用。

Authoritative parenting, characterized by warmth, structure and limit-setting, appears to be related to higher rates of conscientiousness in children. Authoritative parenting is also related to secure attachment between parents and children, which is associated with more conscientiousness.

权威型教养方式，其特点是温暖、结构化和设定界限，似乎与儿童更高水平的尽责性相关。权威型教养方式也与亲子间的安全型依恋相关联，而这种依恋又与更高的尽责性相关。

One way we could engage in authoritative parenting and translate some of these ideas into practice might be to explicitly explain to our children why we make the rules we make. Early indicators of conscientiousness may be how readily children follow a parent’s instructions and how positively they embrace family rules. That suggests that parents who expect children to do these things may be helping their kids become more conscientious over time. Rather than telling my son he shouldn’t shove people “because I said so,” I could explain that our family believes it’s important not to hurt others and that we don’t push others because we could hurt them (even when we’re dinosaurs).

将权威型教养方式付诸实践并将这些理念转化为实际行动的一种方法，或许是明确地向孩子们解释我们制定规则的原因。尽责性的早期表现可能是孩子多么乐意遵循父母的指示，以及他们多么积极地接受家庭规则。这表明，期望孩子做到这些的父母，可能会随着时间的推移帮助他们的孩子变得更加尽责。与其告诉儿子他不应该推人“因为我说的就是这样”，我倒不如解释说，我们家认为不伤害别人很重要，而且我们不推别人是因为我们可能会伤害到他们（即使我们扮演恐龙时也是如此）。

We can also look at what conscientious people do in their daily lives outside of self-control behaviors and try to model those other actions for our kids. If we want to model punctuality and responsibility, we could explain why it’s important for our family to show up for a playdate on time and then (heroically!) do it. We could also describe to our kids all the things we need to do—pack snacks, put gas in the car, feed the dog—before we can get to our friend’s house as a way to demonstrate good planning.

我们也可以观察有责任心的人在日常生活中除了自控行为之外还会做些什么，并尝试为我们的孩子树立这些行为的榜样。如果我们想树立守时和负责任的榜样，我们可以向孩子解释为什么我们一家人准时参加玩伴聚会很重要，然后（努力）做到这一点。我们还可以向孩子们说明，在我们能够去朋友家之前，我们需要做哪些事情——比如打包零食、给车加油、喂狗——以此来展示良好的规划能力。

Thinking about the research on how adults who show more consistent self-control over time often exhibit less, not more, self-control moment to moment, we might try to provide our children with opportunities to safely test boundaries and allow their impulses some freedom. Sometimes my family has what we call “yes days” where we try to say yes to whatever our kids desire (within reason) for an afternoon. Milkshakes for dinner? Sure. Want to chase some birds at a park for hours? Go wild.

考虑到有研究表明，那些长期表现出更强自控力的成年人，在具体时刻反而展现出更少的自控力，我们或许可以尝试为孩子们提供机会，让他们安全地探索界限，并适度释放他们的冲动。有时，我的家人会有我们称之为“同意日”的活动，在那一下午，我们会尝试对孩子们合理范围内的所有愿望都说“好”。晚餐想喝奶昔？当然可以。想在公园里追几个小时的鸟？尽情去玩吧！

Cultivating conscientiousness in our children may not only help them thrive but help us manage our own stress. One study of children in France found that traits such as agreeableness and conscientiousness in the kids were related to less burnout in their parents, including parents who reported less emotional exhaustion and more self-efficacy in their parenting.

培养孩子的尽责性，不仅能帮助他们茁壮成长，也能帮助我们减轻自己的压力。一项针对法国儿童的研究发现，孩子们身上如随和性和尽责性等特质，与父母更少的倦怠感相关，其中包括那些报告在育儿过程中情绪耗竭更少、自我效能感更强的父母。

There’s still a lot we don’t know about how conscientiousness develops. Personality traits are hard to change, as are cognitive skills, depending on your child’s abilities. For example, if your child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or is otherwise neurodiverse, a change in parenting practices alone probably will not be enough to help that child become a better planner or more rule-abiding. It might take longer. Conscientiousness for them might look different than in other kids. All children, regardless of ability, deserve parents with realistic and flexible expectations around the potential for change as we work toward nurturing conscientiousness in our families.

关于责任心（尽责性）是如何培养和发展的，我们仍有很多不了解的地方。人的性格特质很难改变，认知能力也是如此，这取决于孩子的自身能力。例如，如果你的孩子患有注意缺陷多动障碍（ADHD）或存在其他神经多样性（如自闭症谱系障碍等），仅仅改变养育方式可能不足以帮助他们成为更好的计划者或更遵守规则的人。这可能需要更长的时间。对于这些孩子来说，责任心的表现形式可能与其他孩子不同。所有孩子，无论能力如何，都应该拥有抱有现实且灵活期望的父母，因为我们在家庭中培养责任心（尽责性）时，需要认识到改变的可能性。

It’s tiring to explain to my son for the hundredth time why we don’t shove people. The other day, however, my daughter decided to shove her brother, and I heard him explain to her in a tone not unlike my own, “We don’t push people in our family!” As he came running to tattle on his sister, all I could do was laugh.

我已经无数次地向儿子解释我们为什么不推搡别人，这真是令人疲惫。然而，就在几天前，我的女儿推搡了她的哥哥，我听到他用一种和我如出一辙的语气向她解释道：“我们家的人不推搡别人！” 当他跑过来告他妹妹的状时，我只能付之一笑。